The Blabbering M.E.

Sunday, March 18th, 2007

5:30PM

Dear Whoever,

It's been a month and a half into school already, I think. I'm trying to keep track, well, I'm not trying to keep track, I just have because every now and then I keep remembering how many times I've gone to school so far in how many weeks. So...I've gone once the first week, once again the second week, twice the third week and four times the fourth week (basically I went everyday that week because there was a school field trip and it was a holiday for anyone who didn't go, so you know...) and then four times last week and then there's this week. So, this is the sixth week of school, a month and a half.

I didn't go today for, what may seem one of the stupidest lame excuses in the world for some, but I don't see it to be such a stupid excuse. But it's because of my school clothes, I completely, and HONESTLY, forgot to take 'em out of the washing machine and hang them. I know it seems really stupid, but I'm not lying and I wasn't lying to myself either, I really did forget. Whenever I remembered, I was too lazy and told myself that I'd do it a few minutes later but yesterday (Saturday) was a busy day and I kept having to do this and that and it really completely slipped my mind.

Although I don't want anyone saying I'm just being stupid because it's impossible for it to have slipped my mind, but God's my witness and it really did. But I guess I can't try to seem so innocent because I know that if it were clothes to some party or something important to me, that I cared about, I probably wouldn't have forgotten so easily. But what could I have done? I can't force myself to love school, my mind and heart hate school and so it's not something I think about, you know what I mean?

Oh God, I must really have at least 50 journal entries all talkin' about either hating school or being absent. I know it's my journal/blog/whatever, so I shouldn't apologize for writing about anything, but I will because I'm afraid that I'll probabl frighten everyone away because, honestly, who wants to keep reading about some depressing girl talking about how much she hates school all the time and how she's usually absent. So, sorry. But I can't help it, I usually write when I'm depressed and have got nothing better to do, so it's bound to be about school, the most thing that depresses me in my life.

On lighter notes, I'm in love with Wentworth Miller lol. Yes, that's probably the only sign I've given of being a normal teenager :P. But he's just HAWT and adoooooooorable. Since Egypt sucks because of many things, but also because mostly every movie or serie from abroad (mostly the U.S.) arrives here years later. So Prison Break has just, miraculously, arrived on T.V. here. Of course, starting from Season one, and it's like what, season 50 in America? (Ok, I exaggerated too much. Honestly, is it season 2 or 3 now?) Well, the third episode is coming this Tuesday. I wish Prison Break would come another day of the week, but I guess every Tuesday isn't too bad.

Anyway...I don't feel so much like writing (typing) any more because, first: I did a lot of crap in between the above paragraph and this one, and second: I wanna go take a shower. So, all I was really gonna say is that this is probably the worst I've been doing school-wise. I haven't opened a single book and I'm going on day by day as if it's still my vacation. Yeah, this is how a person, who so badly wants to pass to get outta this country for even 3 months with her mother, acts. I just can't help it...There's just so many things I can't help doing.

I need guidance, someone to push me. I'm not as independent as I thought I could be. I really need tutors. The first tutor I was supposed to already be taking with since at least 2 or 3 weeks ago, is my Arabic teacher. I keep forgetting and everytime I remember, it's a bad time for my dad to call him. I GOT TO tell my dad tonight to call him. We're way behing schedule if we start now. If we ever want to catch up, we're gonna have to start taking at least 2 lessons a week to get on track.

So, if I start taking Arabic lessons, that should at least make me get back into the studying-feeling. Reality. So, if I start taking Arabic lessons, I've got that covered, but how about the rest of my subjects? I've got math, English, Physics, geography, religion, civics, philosophy, computer, and....uhm....I can't think of anything else. But the important ones are physics, math and geography. Math, I'm definitely taking a lesson in that. In a month or so, I should start. But for Physics and geography, I don't think my dad has any plans for those, but I really need them. I can't study alone, especially because I'm this far behind.

I probably would be able to study alone if I had been going to school everyday and had been paying attention in class, writing every single lesson down. I do have every lesson written in my notebook except the last two, but I can't understand it without any explanation, you know? So, I think I'm hopeless like this, all alone. I think my dad should agree though, for me to take a lesson in physics, because I had a lesson in Biology and Chemistry last year, and now they've been replaced with only physics, so I don't see why he should be mean and refuse :(. If he agrees, that's one step, then there's the second and final step, finding a teacher/tutor. No way in a million years will I let it be my physics teacher from school, she's horrible UGH!

I should try harder in finding both a physics teacher AND a math teacher. I think I'll end up taking math with my teacher from school, she's okay. I kinda like her yet dislike her. At one point, I hated her, but she's okay. The funny thing is that her name is Miss Mai (my name :P). It's so weird to hear my name being said that way, with the "Miss". I've never met a teacher whose name is Mai before lol.

After I find a teacher for physics and math, I've got geography, which I think will be the hardest to find. I don't know anyone but my school teacher, and I don't like her too much because she intimidates me and makes me feel like a stupid idiot. I hate people like that. Why's it so hard to be normal around them and show them that you're not really retarded?! Do they have to be so mean?? She has this grudge or something against me ever since I came back from america and into this school. Since I was excused in all the arabic subjects because I supposedly wasn't good in them because I had just come back from america and had forgotten most of my arabic, I didn't have to be examined and whatever like everyone else. So everyone thought that was stupid and everyone was so mean to me about it...*sigh*.

I'm glad those days are over. But she still mentions it every once in a while. She's one of those people to ask me why I hate Egypt so much, and if I want to go to the U.S. again. I hate those questions because nobody will ever truly understand unless they were in my shoes and travelled to America at least once.

Anyway...So, she's not an option for me, I won't let her be an option. I gotta ask some friends and my sister for any geography teachers. Once I've got those four, Arabic, math, physics and geography, God be with me on the rest. I failed in religion and civics last year, which means I need to get a good score to be able to pass and not stay, humiliatingly (if that's even a word), in the summer studying to re-examine them. So, I really have NO idea how to study for them and they're subjects that you can't really find tutors for. It would be beyond embarrassing if I was ever found taking lessons in those subjects, no one does, I'm not sure it's even possible. So, I basically have to study those two on my own someone. *Sigh*

My sister is always studying now, when it used to be the other way around last year and the year before. But that's because she's go tutors, she has to study for them. It's different when you have no one pushing you or asking you whether you've studied or not. You know what I mean?

Well...it rained last Thursday. I love rain...it gives me this great soothing feeling. Rain makes some people feel blue, but not me. Maybe a little blue, but it's leaning more on the calm side. If I was hyper, I get into this relaxed state, I dunno how to explain it. Well, we've got this thing in Egypt, well actually I think it's in our religion, but you should pray to God when it's raining. Because it's said that the skies are open or something and you can pray and wish for anything. I know it doesn't quite make sense, because it almost seems like they're saying that's the time you can pray to God because he'll be listening, but he's supposed to be listening to everyone's prayers 24/7. So I guess I'm not sure what the saying is exactly, but maybe there's more of a chance of God making that prayer come true when it's raining. I dunno, I should shutup before I say anything else that may probably be wrong.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention that it rained and I prayed for a couple of things that I hope God can be able to tell are truly coming from deep down in my heart and I really hope they come true. Most of them are things I've probably prayed, hoped and wished for a thousand times here, but I don't think it's one of those things, like birthday wishes, where if you tell someone, it kills it, because it won't come true anymore. I hope that made sense. Well, I gotta go, my dad needs the computer lol. It's good he came, because it seems like I may have gone on forever when, just a couple of paragraphs ago, I said I was leaving to shower. I gotta go, bye!!

-Mai

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

7:57AM

Dear LJ,

It's almost 8AM and my plan was to leave at least 10 minutes before 8 so that I could get there early today and here I am not even close to really being ready, wasting my time. Somehow, somewhere in my brain, I'm doing this intentionally and I know it and still am not doing anything about it. I really am the opposite of independant sometimes, I may really need someone to force me to go to school instead of it being a personal battle inside my head and heart all by myself. It's so simple to just stay or go and here I am, dressed up, but still having some other stuff to do before I can get going and I'm writing about it lol. I'm crazy. I've only gone to school once! School started last week and I only went Thursday and still haven't gone not once this week and today's supposed to be the day but I'm so out of it. I slept a bit late, but I've slept later before, so I dunno why I'm feeling this way.

Besides the usual feeling of depression and my stupid nerves, now there's an additional feeling of being tired and worn out and sleepy and the need to cuddle under the covers of my bed and be warm. The more I write about my feelings, the more I'll be late. I SO don't wanna go, which proves how weak I am. This is so stupid, I don't know any other normal human being on this earth that goes through such a dumb struggle just to be able to get her ass off of whatever and get going to school. Maybe that's because no one I know has gone through what I've gone through and goes to a normal Arabic school...I guess no one is me, obviously. I dunno anymore...*sigh* I can't be absent THREE FRICKIN' TIMES this week. I see it as a shock to even be absent twice already, I was allowing my self one day of absence this week, and here I am on the verge of it being three.

GO ALREADY...I'll be late and it'll suck...I wanna run away right now I really do. Can't I be one of those people who REALLY run away from their problems and don't go as far (or should I say as near and easy) as to stay hiding at home, running away from my main problem, school. Can't I ever really run away? But I dunno anything about anything. I have nowhere to run to and the streets of Egypt is something I want to hide from to, not something I'd like to run out in...Crap, 8:10...Not ogod being late like this...Shit I'm gonna be absent aren't I. This is something my dad DEFINITELY won't let go of...He'll be pissed and disappointed, I know it. What's my reason now? I'm no so sick with a cold and a cough any more, I'm way better, so what's my great reason that could possibly save me? Simply that I "didn't feel like it"? That I was kinda "out of it" today? Shit...I'm screwed. That should REALLY be my motto. I think I say that more than any two words in my vocabulary.

I think I'm gonna go, roll under a couch and die...Yeah, I wish...Actually, I'd rather just die, who knows how much dust have been collected under that couch...*Shivers* Since I can't just die either, unless God will finally give me such an honor, the least thing I could do is go and cry. Because of the frustration and anger I now feel towards myself and maybe because if my dad catches me that way, he may have some heart left or enough sympathy for me to forgive my third absence this week, seventh in total. Why am I doing this? The worst thing about it is that I woke up, got dressed, drank coffee in an attempt to feel more awake and just had a couple of things left to do, but just wasted my time, somehow intentionally, on this darn addictive computer.

And another bad thing is that I still sorta have a chance to go to school, I'm allowed to go till 9:30. But I don't want to be late, because I hate being late. Showing up for the first time in a gazillion years in front of a mean evil monsterous class, staring at me with their mean criticizing and judging eyes, in silence, as I force myself not to look so much as if I'm searching around the class for any decent person/friend to sit with. Once I find no one, I have to force myself to walk to the end of the class in embarrassment and humiliation as I sit in the farthest seat in the back, all alone. Then come the comments. "Welcome back!" or "Why did you come? Couldn't you just continue this week?" BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't care so much about them as I care about the way I feel, and the disappointment and anger I feel towards myself and how my dad would feel worse about me as I already do. The only satisfaction I could possibly get today is if I take a good shower and get a call from my best friend saying she didn't go either. Another terrible thing is if she doesn't call till late at night saying she did go, after being the reason for my absence yesterday, when I was way more ready to go than I am today. Now it's beyond too late and I still haven't come up with a good reason and I'm still not crying. I'm so darn pathetic, why can't God just kill me now? I'm not doing any good in this world. Not for anyone and definitely not for myself. I gotta get off the pooter and find a good reason fast, my dad wakes up at around 9. Shit, I'm screwed. There I go again.

-Mai

Monday, February 12th, 2007

9:23PM

Dear LJ,

I like saying "Dear LJ", I almost feel like it's a person's name lol. Anyway...My dad came back from Germany late last night/early this morning (around 5 AM). He unfortunately couldn't get any gifts for us, but he got lots of chocolate hehe. Who goes to Germany and doesn't come back with chocolate? :P So I didn't go to school yesterday because my dad didn't want either of us (my sister and I) to go out of the house since we're all alone. So that's my excuse for Sunday. My excuse for today was because I stayed up till 5-something in the morning for my dad to come home. I know how it feels being all alone at night and I'm sure it must suck for anyone to come back home from a trip and find his family asleep. My sister couldn't stay up for long though because she felt really sick and tired. She's usually the one capable of staying up late at night, while I'm the one that falls asleep too easily. I guess the coffee I drank kicked in later. I slept at 6:20 or something and woke up by myself at 12:30.

As usual, I write when I'm depressed, meaning I am right now. I'm not exactly depressed, I mean, I could be worse. But I'm feeling quite blue. I actually have to go to school tomorrow....It's still hard to take it. I can't believe we were only given a 2-week holiday...I'm not mentally prepared for school yet...AT ALL. My best friend was absent yesterday and today too because she's really tired and sick. It sucks to be absent in the first week of school like this, and the fact that I've been absent ont he first 2 days makes it even harder for me to go. It's always easier the first day, in a way...Although the first day seems scary because that's when you snap back to the reality of school and whatever, it's still easy because you're not the only one having to try and go to school the first day. It's the first day for everyone...but tomorrow, I won't be in the same state as all of them. They'll all already be passed that "OMG! It's school tomorrow...crap!..." or "Yay! I'll be seeing my friends tomorrow whom I've missed SO much!"...

It's depressing when people say: "Of course you can't wait for the first day of school to see all your friends again. I'm sure you've really missed them!" Blah blah. It's depressing that I've never EVER felt that way in my whole life about the first day of school. Because I've never really had a big group of friends and I've never loved or missed them that much to be excited about school because of them instead of dreading its arrival and not wanting the holidays to end. Now I don't have any friends at all. Thinking of all of this just makes me tell myself that there's NO WAY I'm allowing myself to ever return from my vacation in Australia in the summer with my mom. There's just NO WAY...If there will even be a vacation. Everytime I think the Aussie trip is close and it's really simple and it's gonna happen, there's always a problem or an obstacle before it. Stages. Right now, there's that stage of school. Whether or not I'll pass in everything. If I fail, no Australia...

My best friend still keeps saying that she knows a hundred percent that we are going there and never coming back. She's so sure of it that it even gives me hope...But it's just not right. Not right in ANY way. And it's not gonna happen, which is so sad. That's why I want her to be right. I always think of Australia, Australia, Australia. It's like my only escape out of this hell hole. It's as if it's the best place in the world, just because I see it as my "door" to happyness and freedom...It just has to happen. Whenever I think about my future here and how things might work out, I can't take it. I'm in a terrible school with terrible people and no friends. I'm the unhappiest I've ever been, I believe. And...I hate living here for so many reasons that I've gone over a dozen times...Anyone who knows me must be sick of hearing all of this again and again...But I can't help it. Australia really is my only way out at this point, but according to my dad, it's not even a way at all, not an option. I dunno what to do anymore. What to think or what to believe. *Sigh* I should go. I really hope I go tomorrow because if I don't, not only does it prove I'm weak, but it'll prove that I'll prolly be like that for the rest of the year and I don't want to be. But I so badly don't want to go but it's the right thing and I have to and I'm gonna. God be with me....

-Mai

Tuesday, January 30th, 2007

6:53PM

Hi,

I can't write for long, especially because I'm not really in the mood. I'm supposed to be packing because I'm travelling with my sister to a place outside of Cairo with our (past favorite) cousins and my aunt and uncle tomorrow...Just found out about it yesterday and for some reason, I didn't take it too well. I hate only finding out about something a day or two before it should happen...I need to know at least a week before to be mentally prepared...Now I gotta be "physically prepared", in other words, I GOTTA PACK! I've been saying that for the past hour and a half, in fact, maybe 2 hours. The computer is so darn adictive and I'm so darn lazy. I figure I'm just stalling because I part of me is really nervous and uncomfortable with this trip tomorrow.

My cousins, Mariam (girl) and Hesham (boy), used to be me and my sister's FAVORITE cousins...We used to get along great, now it's different ever since we went to America and back. It's different with the whole family really, nothing's the same and my feeling towards them have changed...Which is really bad I guess, but I can't help it. Now it's all fake smiles and fake laughs with the family...I hate it. I love joking, smiling and laughing, but only when it's REAL. It's amazing how sometimes my mouth and jaw actually REALLY hurt from too much of the fake smiles and laughs. I guess it shows how different it is from real smiles and laughs.

The only person that I know can tell the difference between my real or fake smiles and laughs is my best friend, she always teases me about it and acts out her (retarded) version of how my laugh sounds like lol. I don't know if my parents and sister can tell, I guess I'll never know because I don't usually fake smile or laugh with them. Sometimes I'm worried that my dad's family will be able to tell though. I'm afraid that everyone can tell...Or maybe I've been fake-laughing and smiling all my life that they think that's my real laugh and smile...I dunno. Anything's possible. I hate doing it though. I can't help but do it, I can't not laugh at the jokes that everyone else laughs about. I can't be rude and not smile.

I'm sure everyone has fake-smiled or fake-laughed at least once or twice in their life, but I dunno anyone else who does it as much as me...It's actually tiring at times. If onyl there was some kind of bootcamp to train people to be honest around everyone around them and only realyl smile and laugh when it's super necessary...Or better yet, some spa or relaxation-place-thingie for massaging mouths and jaws :P.

See, I can't help it. I can't bring something up without clearing out all or most of my thoughts about it until I'm satisfied. But I really gotta stop now, times-a-wasting :P. I still have LOTS to do. I guess I have no one to blame but myself :(. My tummy feels funny :(. ANYWAY...I wanted to talk about something since last week, but something's always in the way of me getting to the pooter to type whenever I want to express my thoughts and stuff, and whenever the pooter is free, I'm just too darn lazy. I have a new obsession by the way, well sorta, I guess I can say a "new love or adoration or admiration" for an actor. Paul Newman :D. Yeah yeah, I know he's old now. But I love the young him lol and still the old him. I guess I can say I respect the older him and drool over the younger him. Somebody Up There Likes Me ROCKS. Officially a favorite movie of mine! DEFINITELY! (<--That's a line in the movie). Anyway...see, there I went again! Hmph. BYE!!! Oh, the thing I wanted to say that I wanted to talk about for a week now is the fact that, for once in my life, I'm really completely friendless...excluding my best friend Z, of course, who doesn't live in the same city anyway :(. It's depressing. I'll explain further when I get back. Wow, from Wednesday till Monday, that's a long vacation. I really hope it all goes well, I need it. I need to be a little bit happy again, even if it's just for a minute or so. True happiness...I hope those fake stupid annoying girlie bitchy friends of Mariam's aren't there. They're just not my cup of tea. Please God, if you've taken away a friend of mine and left me just one (and thank God for her, I hope I never lose her and I hope to never take her for granted cuz she's just the best) At least "bless" me by having this vacation be fun...please.

-Mai

Sunday, January 21st, 2006

7:50PM

Hi,

I've got History tomorrow, which I've been scared of the thought of trying to study for it since the start of my mid-terms, and what am I doing? Not studying and just panicing and losing hope and staying on the computer to spoil myself a bit and waste my time...I dunno why I have to do this every once in a while, but I've just been wanting to write so badly lol. Not like what I have to say is really important to be said...but as I've explained before, it's like a release for me, of all the stupid crap that goes through my head everyday.

It's Sunday night and I'm finishing on Thursday! Yipee! I'm basically finishing on Tuesday, because the exams I've got on Wed. and Thurs. aren't really important or hard...I can't wait till I'm done! But in a way, I'd rather have exams everyday than go back to having to try to go to school everyday. (Lol, that sounded a bit off...with all the "to's".) I know I'll probably end up being absent in the first week as usual, no matter how hard I try not to be. Ok, well I guess I don't exactly try HARD not to be absent...

I've been feeling so lonely this couple of weeks that I try to let in anything that might make me happy. My math tutor is pretty nice, we end up usually wasting at least 15 minutes of our lesson talking about random stuff, either about life in general or our own personal experiences. I've known him for two years now so I try not to still be shy and uncomfortable, I think I've gotten better. I've shared with him some of my drawings. Yeah, I draw. But I'm no artist, I'm just best at copying a picture in front of me. I take at least an hour, depending on how big and complicated the drawing is, and I usually get it to like quite alike to the original. At least I can pride myself in one of the very little things I believe I'm good at. Another example: Folding clothes. Lol. I'm the queen at it at home :P...Won't help me much in life, but eh.

Crap, as usual, (well sometimes), I didn't get to finish this entry. My sister's tutor came and so I had to leave. I've obviously lost the mood of writing and I can't stay on anyway because I'm supposed to be studying *rolls eyes* *sighs*, plus, my sister wants the "pooter". So this entry was pretty pointless and mostly full of depressing complaints, but at least I got to post something in my LJ for the first time in a couple of weeks...Or is it months? I dunno when I last wrote in it lol but yeah...While I was away in the room during my sister's lesson, I didn't even study by the way!! :( :( There was an intersting movie on and I couldn't help but watch. I watched an hour of it until I decided to record the rest...I suck. I'll end up panicking and having a mental breakdown when I wake up early in the morning to try to study. What if I seriously fail this time?? :( I'm screwed. I've been saying that everyday...hmph. I really wanted to say more stuff, but I gots to gos!! Bye!

-Mai

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

7:25AM

Hewwo people!

It's been a while since I've posted something, in fact, I didn't even reply to all of your comments :(. Sowwy for that, I've just been kinda busy and mostly lazy. I hate that because LJ was something I didn't want to be lazy from. I told myself that if I wasn't gonna write/type anything, at least I'd read or reply to other people's comments. But I've done neither and now I have lots to talk about but I haven't got the time. And when I do have time, I always feel like if I just sit and type all I want to for an hour or so, I'm wasting my time when I could be sleeping or studying or doing something more useful...But I shouldn't feel that way cuz I never study anyway and I don't enjoy sleeping during the day and writing is something I love to do. I feel like I can release all these thoughts and feelings...It's me escape, as stupid as that sounds, it's true.

If I don't write, I end up writing in my head, basically just talking to myself in my head, as if I'm typing/writing, like what I want to say. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm depressed as usual. Been absent again. But even though I have good-ish reasons: I was busy in the weekend and last Thursday, when I had my field trip, so I didn't get to wash my school clothes since the field trip. And this is no lie, I didn't know I was gonna end up sleeping over at my cousins', it wasn't planned. And going to the zoo the day after, with them, wasn't a plan either. So I came home exhausted after the field trip, on Thursday, and after the zoo, on Saturday. I just stayed in bed, forced myself to eat before I went to sleep. And then I washed them on Sunday and the skirt didn't dry at all by Monday morning. So that's my reason. And of course whne people ask in school, and I tell them this, I can feel them not believing me because I've been absent so many times, mostly for stupid reasons, that when I am absent for such TRUE reasons, they won't believe me. It's like that boy that cried wolf...I think, well not really, lol but whatever.

I was cleaning up the computer yesterday with my sister and we had to delete lots of stuff. When we were in My Documents, I found lots of stuff written by my that I saved and posted online, but forgot to delete them off the computer. I found it funny that most of them started with: "I'm depressed" or "I was absent again..." Lol...it's not so much as funny as it is depressing and true...I guess I'll never be able to change something like this. I hate that people judge me and they don't get how hard it is for me to go and how much I truly hate school. I know it may seem like a weak move to always just be absent cuz I can't take going to school all the time, but it's not as easy as it sounds. No one really understands, you'd have to be ME and in MY shoes. Afterwards, just try and go to school, with MY lack of Arabic. Ugh....Another reason why I don't write in LJ or wherever sometimes is because I don't want to face my problems. I mean, they are there, they'll always exist. But sometimes I just don't wanna think about them, and typing/writing about them is just reminding me about them and making me focus on them...

Of course, teachers will bother me in school about my absence...They all hate me, or at least dislike me, I can feel it. It's just because I'm different than the rest and besides not studying like some girls, I'm also absent a lot...*Sigh* Stupid prinicipal, UGH God I hate her!!! She's gonna bug me today, I'm sure of it. So will my Arabic and English teacher, mark my words...They'll ask why I was absent, and I'm gonna have to lie even though I have good(-ish) reasons, because I'm not gonna stand there, with my horrible Arabic, and explain to them the whole school clothes story and how I was busy and blah blah. They won't buy it anyway, but they really don't get that I'm human and I'm the one taking care of our laundry at home, I DON'T have a mom that has time to wash them right away. I'm still young and I can get lazy, cuz I'm HUMAN. Of course when I lie, they won't believe the lie either: "I was tired" or "I felt sick" blah blah. I say that all the time, who's gonna believe it? But what's better, standing there in front of the class and making a fool outta myself, horribly explaining the true reason, and having them not believe me anyway? Or telling a short lie and having them not believe me?

Well, I gotta go. There's a lot more I wanna talk about, but time's running out and I still gotta make my bag before I leave for school. I only have two friends, one that's my best friend and another that's a close friend. And neither of them understand either, in fact, they make me feel worse about it. They make me feel guilty and say that it's wrong and etc. Don't they think I know that? I KNOW THAT. It's enough I have myself to scold and teachers to bother me, I don't need that from my won friends...Especially my close friend, Salsabil. Even though it's been about 2 years, and she's witnessed me be absent NUMEROUS times, it's like she's still not used to it. She still becomes immature and childish and treats me badly or in a mean way at first, once I'm absent. I just don't get it. And then I start to become afraid to call her! Seriously...Or I'm afraid that she'll call me, with her "lovely" mood *rolls eyes*. She's like a mother, only my mom wouldn't be that mean and immature. In fact, I probably wouldn't even be absent if my mom was here. Anyway...there I was again, saying I have to go, then I decide to say one last thing before I leave, which leads to ALL that. So, I should really go now. Time's RUN out. Sorry everyone for not replying, I want to, I really do. And I wanna read your LJ's too! Well, bye!!! Wish me luck in school, I'll need it.

-Mai

Monday, November 27th, 2006

1:21PM

Howdy,

Before I move on to ramble about this and that, I just want to thank everybody for the nice comments and apologize if I haven't commented much in your journal. It feels nice to know that people are reading my entries and think I'm interesting. It means a lot to me that some people can actually relate to me and feel like I'm them, like they're reading something they would write themselves.:D

Ok, last Saturday, besides seeing Casino Royale for a second time, with my DAD, with "those" scenes, (not fun), I went to the doctor afterwards. Well, not a doctor, an optometrist...Is that what they're called? (Did I spell it right? There's always Dictionary.com, thank God for that :P). I went to check on my eyes for the first time in over 2 years, so that I could see my eye sight's gotten worse or not and so that I could change the lens of my glasses. Yeah, I know, as a person with glasses, I'm supposed to go for a check up EVERY year, which I just found out about a few weeks ago. My dad hadn't actually ever heard of that, so that's why he never took me for a check up since I last got these glasses.

Until now, I haven't met anybody whose got a worse eyesight than me, so this may shock a few people, but my eyesight used to be like a -4.(something) and now it's a plain ol' -5. I know, THAT'S BAD. It can get overwhelming sometimes, especially when I start comparing. Glasses on, glasses off. BIG DIFFERENCE. Everything's SOOO blurry without my glasses, I'm really short-sighted. I can't believe some people even ask me sometimes why I always wear them. Hmm...Maybe because without them, I'm blind! I only take them off when I shower and before I go to bed. And on other annoying occasions, I have to take them off during extreme rides in theme parks when they're most likely to fall off. Oh, and when I swim too of course.

I don't even take them off every once in a while, like people do, when they take it off for a second, just to rub there eyes, then they put it back on. I never saw the point and I've never personally done it, besides doing it just to try. I just tried right now, pointless. I can rub my eyes with my glasses on anyway. If anyone out there wears glasses and does the same thing, please tell me the reason. Lol, I just don't get it.

I'm actually not wearing my real glasses right now. I'm not even in school when I'm supposed to be. Why? I had to be absent because we have an appointment with whatever you call the place that fix and sell glasses to change my glasses' lens. So my dad, before going to work, had to take my glasses with him so that he could, afterwards, directly go to that place and have them change the lens. I asked him why I couldn't just go to school, come back home and wait for him to come home and take them to change it. He said a good reason, but I forgot what it was...

So how am I going to survive for these couple of hours with no glasses and a -5 eyesight? I searched for my old, VERY UGLY, glasses. It helps a little bit, but it's really weird. Everything seems blurry still, yet not. I didn't ask anybody before putting these old ones on, but is what I'm doing bad? Like, could it affect me by putting glasses that aren't fit for my eyesight? You know what I mean? Well, I can't believe I ever bought these glasses. They're so...Floopin' ugly! (Yeah, I just made that up.:D It's much more decent than the "F" word.) I remember thinking they were cute the first time I saw them. They're oval and UGLY. Since blue is my favorite color, meaning ALL shades of blue, these glasses are this weird kind of blue. (I hate how I wanted to say "this" instead of "these" when saying "these glasses". Because it is ONE item, so I'd like to think I should say "this", but "this glasses" just doesn't sound right, now does it? Darn English and its rules! :P)

Besides being "floopin' ugly", they're annoying my nose. What I loved about my other glasses, the one I bought in California (Walmart to be exact :D), they were not only cool-looking to me, they were light and they didn't have those things...I dunno how to explain them, the ones that are supposed to be on your nose. Most glasses have them, to hold your glasses there. They're these little things that can slightly move. Anyway, I dunno if anyone actually understood what I meant, but I love that my other glasses don't have them. Because they hurt my nose and sometimes leave a mark there, especially because this one has one missing, so this metal thing is hurting me a bit, leaving a even worse mark. Hmph.

That previous paragraph confused me a bit, so I dunno if it'll confuse you all, because I didn't make it very clear to whether I was talking about my old ugly glasses, the ones I'm currently wearing, or the ones that I bought from Walmart, that are currently with my dad. Well, I'm happy to love my glasses. They're a bit rectangular and black, they were famous for a while back when I was in California. Most of the girls in the school had them. I love mine because it's all made of plastic (meaning the lens too), so it's fallen tons of times and never, not once, gotten broken. The sad thing is that it's going to get changed into glass lenses, instead of plastic ones. So it's most likely to break if it fell a lot and I'm afraid it'll make my glasses heavy...I asked my dad numerous times about it and he said that they're "Compact lenses" so it's a good glass quality and it won't be heavy.

I just have a problem with letting things go. I never noticed that until Z slept over at my house a few months ago. We fight a LOT and so we did fight a lot when she was at my house. She's the most person in this world that can get on my nerves and make me feel like hating her, yet I love her so much because she's just the best and she's been my best friend for 5 or 6 years now. We met at 4th grade back in 1999. It's quite a LONG time. Anyway, back to my glasses. I asked my dad if he could ask them to keep the old lenses, lol, yes, I'm THAT crazy. I just feel like it'll be a waste throwing them away or whatever they might do to it, you know? I want to keep it as a memory. A new addition to my Memory Box. (I probably shouldn't have capitalized that, but we're supposed to capitalize names, right? And I named that little rectangular yellow old chocolate box my Memory Box.:D)

Oh, I forgot to continue the thing about Z. When she was at my house, some of our fights were about me and how I just couldn't let go of things. Because there just happened to be lots of things that occurred when she was at my house that showed how I stuck to things too much. It's kinda funny now that I think of it. Everything does happen for a reason and I'm sure that was the works of fate, or most likely God. How things just kept happening that showed my attachment to things. Like that stud bracelet I hated so much because I thought it was ugly, but I wanted to keep it because I got in on the birthday of my friend, Tran, back in Anaheim, California. We spent her birthday in the Buena Park Mall. It was me, her, another friend, Leticia, and her mother. Leticia and her mom left sometime during the day, while Tran and I stayed together, browsing through shops. We stuck to Claire's and bought a few accessories here and there.

But what was most fun, which I'll never forget, were those purple gift bag thingies. All we had to do was pay 99 cents or something and choose between 3 bags. In each bag was a mix of old accessories that they put away. So we got addicted and kept going in there again and again, paying little money, for lots of accessories from each bag. It was so fun and a bit exciting, to just wait and quickly open the bag, not knowing what's inside. We then divided what was inside. Good times...I miss her, she was a really good friend...Le sigh...I never got why people were mean to her, just because she could be a bit annoying sometimes, but I found it funny and I could take it. We both could annoy each other out of fun, and not a lot of people understood what she was saying, which I never understood. She was Vietnamese and her English was a bit broken, but I understood her very well...People are weird and cruel sometimes...She was so fun and had such a good, caring heart. I wonder how she is, we haven't been contacting each other...

Anyway, that black stud/bracelet thingy with these round silver things on him, I got that from those bags, so it barely cost me a cent, but I didn't want go give it away because of the memory it gave me. But Z wanted it and she didn't get how I could so selfishly want to keep it if I was never going to wear it and I explained to her why and she said that I have to let go of things sometimes. Besides her saying that because she wants the bracelet, I knew she was right. And there was a good bargain: I give her the bracelet, she leaves me a book of hers to keep and read. I probably got the better end of the deal because I fell in love with the book and the writer, which caused me to go online and download her other books of the same series. So I gotta thank her. I feel bad, now thinking of it. I really was never going to wear it, but since I was a kid, I never could let go of things. I remember having two drawers full of little crap I collected when I was a kid. I still have things with me now that I've had for AGES. They just hold memories, you know?

Besides the bracelet, lots of other stuff happened that showed how I couldn't let go of things. She found some tags of clothes that I kept. Anyway, before I move on and completely forget, I have this urge to just continue the story about me, Tran and Claire's. We got at least 5-8 bags of those accessories. The lady was so nice and she said that there weren't a lot of people buying them and that they had a lot, so she didn't mind letting us buy a lot of it like that even though no one's aloud to just buy it like that. You're supposed to buy something from the store, and only then you'll be allowed to pay 99 cents for a bag. If only her shift hadn't ended and this other not-so-nice lady took her place, saying we'll have to buy something first before being allowed to buy one of those bags, then we probably could have bought over ten or fifteen of those! Oh well, all good things end.

There's another topic I want to talk about, but it'll make this entry twice as long as it already it is, so I better save it for next time. I apologize to anyone who can't stand how long my entries always are, but I can't help it. I love typing down my thoughts, and I think a LOT and I feel like I always have so much to say and share. :D Next time, I want to talk about Z and her bf and a little problem I have with him and them. Don't let your thoughts wander too much, it's probably not what your mind wants it to be. :P It's a long and complicated story. Well, I'll bid you all farewell as I'll head off and send Tran an email. I hope she's doing good, being lonely and living with her mom and mean stepfather...I hope she hasn't changed her email, it's been over a year, so who knows. Only God, of course.:D Well, bye!!!

-Mai

Thursday, November 23rd, 2006

11:45AM

Hewwo,

I've got to stop being lazy and actually read the journals of the people I added as friends. But my problem is that I don't like reading just random stuff in their journals, I've got to start reading ALL the way from the bottom, like from the first entry they've ever written. Why? Because...it's like watching a movie from the middle. There'll obviously be things I don't understand, you know what I mean? What makes this a problem? (If you haven't already figured it out...) It's because some people have been hear for MONTHS and I can't read all 50 entries of a person, you know? *Sigh* I shall see...*Heroic hopeful background music*

I don't get this whole community thing. I first thought it was these bunch of groups you can join and write something in it to get noticed or say you want friends or something. But there are a LOT of communities and they don't all write in it about themselves. I dunno where I'm going with this, but I just don't get it. Hmph...It got so confuzzling when I tried to look for communities and I didn't know which to join. Can somebody please help me out?

Ok, I haven't forgotten that I wanted to talk about my name :D. Although Mai is a common name here in Egypt and nothing special, I like it on me lol. (Yeah, SO modest :P) I like that it has the same syllable and number of letters as the word "moi". And my initials are: M.E. Which spells "me". So I've got "moi" and "me" lol. If you noticed, I wrote "M.E." in the name of my journal. So yeah...I just like my name, it's small and simple. When I was younger, I didn't use to like my name for some reason, I wanted some name like "Elle" or "Melissa" or who knows what. I especially liked the name "Julie", I dunno why, because I currently don't really like that name anymore. (No offense to those out there who are named Julie :D). I guess things change...I've learned to like my name.

Thanks everybody for the comments! PS stands for Post Scriptum? Cool...Thanks solaniisrex, what's your real name btw? :D For some reason, I don't remember "PS" standing for Post Scriptum...hmm...That's probably because I don't even remember what I thought it was. :P Anyway...I'm really hoping to find friends here, so if anybody is interested in being my friend, just pm me. (There is personal messaging here on LJ, isn't there?) If not, then I guess you can comment me saying so lol. :D I'd like to meet friends from all over the world...And what I've always wanted to experience is to meet someone who speaks a language I don't, so I could actually have a possibility of learning a language from somebody:D, which I've never done lol.

Do you ever have those days when you suddenly miss something from your past? I mean...Like something you used to do or like...Lemme just say why I'm asking this: Since I was a kid, I've always LOVED The Lion King. People piss me off when they won't admit they liked it too just because they're embarrassed...ANYWAY...It's my all-time-favorite cartoon/movie as a child and I still love it. (That's first and second would be "Beauty and the Beast", third: "The Little Mermaid". :D) They're just classics, in my opinion. So much memories...*Sigh* Good times.

Anyway, my point: If anyone out there knows and has seen the Lion King too, have any of you ever gotten the playstation videogame of it? The OLD one? Because there's this song that's on at the beginning of it and I have no idea what it's called and it's pissing me off lol cuz I wanna get it :P. I'm sure it's in the movie too, obviously, but I dunno where and I unfortunately don't have the movie. So...lemme try and write down what I think I hear the female voice saying in the song, if I can spell her chants: "Mumma-mayo, o-mumma-miyo..." Lol, ok that was hard and a bit embarrassing. In the song, you can hear "the circle of life" being sung too, but this whole part isn't part of the song "The Circle of Life" at all. Am I making any sense? Lol...oh nevermind.

I saw in LJ that you can make polls, I haven't tried to click on it, so I have no idea how it works, which means I can't know yet whether or not I can "fulfill" my idea. What's my idea? Well...I know I talked before about my parents and how I'd rather live with my mom for SO many reasons...But it doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. Not until, as my dad says, I finish college here and get married. Why? Well, he wants me to get married here first before I travel anywhere so I wouldn't marry someone from abroad that isn't Muslim. (Same goes for my sis.) If you know anything about Islam, you'll know that I HAVE to do this as a Muslim. As a female, I'm forbidden to marry a non-Muslim, while a male can marry a non-Muslim. It's because the children follow their dad's religion, so it wouldn't matter if a man marries a Muslim woman or not, you know? Cuz the important thing is that you have Muslim children.

So waiting till AFTER I get married, could be YEARS away. And I dunno how long I cant take it, living here. If both my sister and I pass our exams this year, we can go stay with our mom forthose three months in Australia next summer...As much as I wish we could go and not come back, it seems so surreal and evil. Why evil? Because our dad's trusting us enough to let us travel alone (for the first time) to stay with my mom. All three of us gave him our word that we'll come back. It'll be the first time for us to be away from our dad for more than a month and a half (that happened when we went to the Philippines with our mom). A part of me feels like he's being selfish, because he's forcing us to stay here against our own will because he loves us and, as Muslims, we're supposed to live in our country. I've never loved Egypt, EVER. I know that's horrible of me, considering it IS my home...But it doesn't feel like home.

This country is so...UGH. There are barely any possibilities for anything and although this country is said to be REALLY poor, because it looks it and can be considered a poor country, I've heard that we're actually quite rich, but we just have a really stupid government that's keeping all that money. I've never known much about politics and governments and stuff like that in this world, so I can't know if that's a fact, but either way, America was great in so many ways. And it doesn't particularly have to be america, because I'm sure Australia will be good too. And so will all the countries in Europe I hope to visit one day. ANYWAY...I always do this...Start talking about something, never finishing it because it leads me to talk about something else that leads me to talk about something else and etc.

So...starting from the top. My whole reason for bringing it up is that, my best friend, Z (this should be the last time I mention that she's my best friend, because I've already said it more than twice before), believes that me and my sister aren't coming back. She said that despite my reasons now, for saying how wrong it is to go and not come back, because of how much of a betrayal that'll be to my dad and blah blah blah, she believes that we'll love it there too much that we'd never think of coming back to this shithole. She says that, even though my mom should be a mature adult and accept the fact that my dad has custody over us and that she'll have to wait a long time before we can get to actually live in the same country with her, she loves us too much to let us go. Z says it as if it's a fact, she's so sure of it. But I have to disagree with her...We bet eachother five pounds on this, lol. Yeah, not much. But if I come back, she'll have to pay me 5 pounds and if I don't, I dunno how I'll be able to pay her the 5 pounds...(Egyptian pounds by the way).

My dad wants us to buy all these things for him from Australia and he seems all excited about it because he barely ever buys anything for himself, for 3 reasons: 1. Clothes and etc. are too expensive here. 2. We're not financially stable enough to be buying clothes and stuff occasionally. 3. Ok, I can't think of a third reason, lol. So...I feel bad thinking of how happy he is thinking of us coming back with all these nice things for him. If we stay there, he won't get them...Oh wait, he would if we sent it. But still, I feel bad even thinking of doing such a thing to him because I know how much he loves my sister and me. He's said so many times to so many people that we're his life. He'd die without us. And it's true. I can't imagine him living all alone here in Egypt. It's so depressing. He's not happy in Egypt either, but he doesn't have much of a choice but to live here. So I guess we have to suffer with him.

Ugh...I dunno. My selfish side wants to be happy again...I want to be free. Thinking of living with my mom and going to school in Australia just makes me so happy. I wish I knew what lies ahead...But as for now, I can just keep dreaming of happiness. If living there will even make me happy...Who knows how Tito Joseph will be like. (That's her husband now by the way). He sounds nice and stuff over the phone and I can tell he really loves and cares for my mom. But who knows how he'll really treat us if we live together under the same roof. How will we treat him? The thought of living with someone who'll be like a step-father is weird...

So, once I stop being lazy, I'll check out what this poll is and I'm thinking of making one asking people's opinion on whether or not I'll come back from Australia, if we even pass this school year first. Let's say we do, I dunno if anyone's actually going to care enough to answer such a poll about my life lol, but I'll give it a shot. Well, I've written a long enough blog/entry/whatever...So I shall take my leave now.

-Mai

P.S.: Post Scriptum! Yay! Lol...Yes, my blogs will usually be THIS long. But if you're lucky, I'll be lazy one day! :P
P.S.S: I dunno how or why each first letter of the beginning of each paragraph is getting big and capitalized, but it's cool. ^-^
P.S.S.: "You can't have roots and wings" is my favorite quote. :D I feel like it relates to my situation and it's cool in general.

Monday, November 20th, 2006

5:14PM

Hello world,

I've been on the computer now for at least an hour and a half, when I should be studying. I'm so lazy this year, I hate how I've changed. Before I went to America, I never used to cheat and I always studied when I had to, if not always, most of the time. I wouldn't get lazy and decide not to study for an exam the next day and depend on cheating instead. I know cheating is a big thing abroad, at least that's what I can tell from movies and personal experience when I went to school in California. I don't think anyone really cheated. But here, EVERYONE cheats, even if you're the smartest student in the class, you always have to help a friend.

I never supported cheating since I was young and I always kept my eyes on only my paper, even if I desperately needed an answer to a question, I'd do my best and pray to God that I'll get a good grade. I didn't even know how to cheat, I was too afraid and it felt too wrong. I remember that clearly. But now, it's something I always do. Well not always, because sometimes I can't. I'm not a very good cheater, I'm probably the worst in the class because I still suck at it and I get too afraid of being caught. But no matter what I feel or whatever, the worst thing of it all is simply what it is. CHEATING.

The only time I study is for the mid-terms and the end-of-the year exams. That's how it is in Egypt. We've got monthly exams, on every subject (obviously every month) and the most important exams are the ones at the end of the first term and the end of the second term. The monthly exams help. But it differs every year, like last year, the monthly exams didn't matter. They weren't counted in with the scores of the mid-terms and last-terms (whatever you call the exams that are in the end of the year). ANYWAY...I haven't studied ANYTHING since the beginning of this school year, except the first chapter in Biology and some English. I'm not the only one though, lots of people haven't studied anything. This year is the least important anyway, but I can still fail and get a Molhaa (like what I explained in my last post).

I don't know how or why, but when I came back from California, my studying skills changed. It can't be called a skill because I don't do crap. I waste my days on being lazy and wasting my time doing other things instead of studying. The talk of study just makes me sick because I don't study and because I'm so sick of the whole idea itself. I've talked about it so many times and though about it even more. I've decided to accept the fact that I probably won't change. I'm too lazy all the time and a big part of me doesn't give a crap. I always have two people fighting in me. One who's the bad guy and one who's the good guy. Ok, it probably feels that way, like they're things inside my head when really it's either the good me and the bad me or the angel and the devil that speak to me and always fight. Am I making any sense? *Shakes head for you*

How was school today? Crappy as usual...Not to mention LOOOONG. Today was the longest day since the first day of school. It was long and boring. It felt like two days put together. We have eight subjects a day by the way. I don't know if that's shocking or not to most people, because I used to have only 4 subjects a day back in California, but I think it should be. Each lesson is about 45 lessons and maximum an hour. I don't know if they're all the same amount of time or if they differ depending on the subject...Well, we have 5 subjects before recess and 3 subjects after...Wow, that felt weird saying "recess". I actually had to fish for that word in my head for a while before I got it. It's been years since I've said. LITERALLY years. Almost 2 years. No one here uses or knows that word in my school. We either call it "break" or the Arabic word for it. But MAN is it short! It's like 15-20 minutes?? I had 45 back in California!!

Lately, for some unknown reason, I've been noticing the pretty people in my classroom. It's an All-girls school by the way. For a girl to suddenly notice the pretty people in her All-girls school could sound wrong, if you know what I mean, but that's not where I was going. I meant to say that I've been noticing how ugly I am...It's really depressing. I wouldn't call myself DEAD-ugly, but I'm not pretty. Not really at least...I'm not special and that makes me a bit sad. I should appreciate what I've got, which I never succeed in doing in general in my life because I AM only human and I can't help but want and wish for more. But since my self-confidence is already pretty low, I could have at least been gifted with a pretty face. All my life, I've been told by my parents and close friends that I'm pretty occasionally, but that's because they're parents and close friends, you know? I noticed that I've never been called pretty by anyone else outside of that area of friends and family.

My best friend, Z (her nickname), insists that I am pretty...but I hear that bit of "just-being-nice" in her voice, which hurts. I try to see what people see, but most of the time I just see this plain unspecial face with many flaws and imperfect skin and...I could write down a whole list...and not just about my face you know. I have those days where I look at the mirror and surprisingly think I'm pretty. But I think I'm pretty for me, the prettiest I could get for a face like that, not pretty compared to everyone else in thiw world. I feel most confident and pretty when I dress well and have make-up on, which is sad because not only does that not happen much and only on occasions with Z, but I shouldn't need those things to look or feel pretty. I see people ten times prettier than me everyday, even with my make-up and good clothes.

I decided to ask someone about this. And I've never asked anyone about it before. So I asked my closest friend from school. She said that I wasn't pretty and of course she was prettier and then she had to go talk to some teacher, so I was left pondering on whether or not that was a joke, because she said it so frankly. Well, joke or not, I didn't find it funny. So it brought down my mood for the last 3 periods of the day. My friend, Salsabil, whom I asked, noticed. So she asked what was up and since the teacher was keeping a close eye on everybody, we had to talk through writing it down on paper. So I told her and she kind of thought it was funny at first, that I'd be upset from such a thing. So I asked her if she was serious, and she said about the not-being-pretty part: yes. As if THAT'S supposed to make me feel better.

I explained to her how that hurt and why I wanted to know and blah blah, and then she explained to me what she meant. She said that I was "helwa", but not "amoora". What do those alien words mean? Well, the first, "helwa", means nice...or good-looking (if you're talking about looks). "Amoora" means pretty or beautiful. She said that even she, herself, wasn't Amoora, she wasn't beautiful. She was helwa...nice. And so was I. She said all this nicely and I didn't get upset because I appreciated her honesty and I understood what she meant as she further explained how there are BEAUTIFUL people and good-looking people and she herself was never called beautiful.

So...that was that. It's pretty stupid, isn't it. I'm sure you're all thinking it because it's not a big thing to be upset about...but it bothered me and it somehow still does. I wanted to hear her opinion and of how other people might see me too. It's best I see the gloomy side of it than find out one day, after all the compliments, that's I'm considered average, if you know what I mean. Well, this whole thing definitely did NOT help my confidence.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about something else that happened in school that made my mood even BETTER (note the sarcasm), but I don't have much time. My sister has a tutor coming for her in our house in a bit. Actually six o'clock and it's currently 5:59PM. So he could come any minute and I hate rushing and trying to turn the computer off quickly, since it is outside in the living room where the big table where the tutor and my sister sit too. I wish it was in our room. I've never had a computer in my own room before...I'm hoping to do so in the future when I have a BEAUTIFUL house of my own lol. That'll be fun. The thought of having my own home and decorating it the way I want makes me happy and excited and hopeful that I'll have that much money to afford my own home and buy beautiful furniture and such. MOVING ON...I should go. Bye :D.

-Mai

PS: Remind me that I need to talk about why I love my name lol and how I don't quite understand this whole community thing...Ok, I'll probably be the one reminding myself by reading this reminder later on lol but yeah...

PSS: I'm not spell-checking this because I'm lazy+tutor coming! So please excuse the typos.

PSSS: Please also, anyone out there, remind me what "P.S." actually stands for. I can't believe I always forget. Ugh...*shakes head and hides it away in shame*